So Grateful... Amazing Turnaround.

It's hard to believe that you might be happy, but still feel like your dying inside. Can you be both? I don't really know. It's what I feel. I had an amazing turnaround of luck but more of happiness. You can't get everything you want, but you can sure as hell pray and try to get the things you need. This summer has been amazing. Especially July. But I still feel that people aren't there for me and every single person I say this to says I'm over exaggerating. But they're not me. I am sensitive, everything affects me more, heck even getting injured affects me more. "Was I supposed to see black dots and almost pass out?" "No, that's not normal..." Going and seeing Paul McCartney, in Michigan, with 9th row seats is not normal either. Whatever. Who cares about my SAD self. I'm having fun on the outside. Next stop, California.

Better bend than break...do everything with your heart, live everything with your soul. LOVE ♥ is the answer. LIFE is SO FRAGILE don't waste it EMBRACE IT. Every second counts.


7/1/11 
missouri, came home, 4th of July, boating, and fun
Well I saw fireworks from the freeway, and behind closed eyes I cannot make them go away

7/24/11
There's a way to get together then I'm gone away, one day. It's a place that all that matters are the notes you play, I say

7/28/11
to find a queen without a king, they say she plays guitar and cries and sings

8/9/11
You've got a smile that could light up this whole town, I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
♥ ♥
I like to twist You Belong With Me, you know, so it's about my friends.... XD

I hope whomever is reading this is having an AMAZING summer! Praying and believing will bring you good luck. Sorry for the photo overload. ;)


xoxo lisa marie

So Much To Do, So Little Time.

Another negative post, from a periodically positive girl.

I hate when people (in this case friends) get your hopes up (or you yourself do) just to let you down and screw you over. To shatter dreams. A dream for me may be a wish for anyone else. That's how much it affects me. I'm going to California on July 28th, and I was with my friends, mentioned it, and somehow we got to talking about them going. I asked them if they had the money, they said yes. I was SO excited. I've never gotten to go on a vacation with friends, let alone in a beautiful place. Palo Alto, San Fran, Carmel, Monterey, Santa Cruz, San Luis Obispo, and San Jose. Of course, you might be thinking, any way, this is awesome! Well, what happened wasn't. Two weeks later after rapid text cycles, one of those two friends said she couldn't go because of work. The other said she couldn't go because her parents told her she couldn't go if the other friend didn't go. All of the energy I had put into being excited suddenly turned to anger. I was crying so hard, I was on the treadmill yelling, and I eventually chucked my iPod across the room with intending on breaking it. None of what I did helped me, at all. But the other thing is: Paul McCartney is playing Wrigley Field over the weekend of our vacation. Keep the bad luck coming.

I've been SO busy lately I'm starting to feel like my mom's friend Debbie. (She works for Sprint, knows just about everyone, does musicals, everything.) Just the busy part. But I AM excited for this coming weekend because here's the silver lining: I'm going with my friend to Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri on a canoe trip. In two days! THEN I'm coming home to my friend's giant party for the Fourth and her birthday. I haven't seen her all summer. Make that half a year.

I hope YOU guys are staying positive.



all my love,
xoxo lisa marie

Smiles and Tears

I haven't really been on the ball with my blog lately, a lot has changed. First of all, how adorable are my two little cousins? I babysit them from time to time and it's always a blast. They are pretty hilarious too.

Addison and Callie

(All cousins of some type + sisters) :)

About a week ago I was tumbling at open gym. I don't have any friends that really tumble or do gymnastics with their free time (and honestly the only people I know who do I work with) but I still go occasionally. I was pretty tired and just doing passes on floor. I was obviously running full speed and put my hands down for one last round-off. I must have also twisted my arm a funny way because I immediately heard a crunching/popping noise and instant extreme pain. "No... not again," were my immediate thoughts. The last time I had injured myself was a dislocated kneecap, walking down the stairs. I passed out that time. THIS time I was seeing black dots. I thought I had at least broken something. As I was kneeling on the floor I noticed some song playing on the radio in the background and the lyrics went something like "I don't wanna say goodbye, but this is goodbye." I thought it was God telling me I could never do this again, or even coach. God had hit me, all right. "Why do so many bad things have to happen to me?" My mom and I rushed to the emergency room and got X-rays. Nothing was broken, so they put me in a temporary half-cast and a sling until I saw an orthopedic.

I ended up having to get an MRI to see if I had torn any ligaments. I was in pain and my elbow and my arm did just not feel right. The results were back and sure enough, I had torn my UCL. Ever heard of your ACL in your knee? Ulnar Collateral Ligament is in your elbow. It's a major ligament and I might need surgery. That is not okay with me, considering 50% of patients lose 10% full range of motion in their elbow after full recovery from surgery. That would mean a likely goodbye to sports and I will do anything I can to avoid this.

The other day in the car we were discussing it and my mom just goes, "S**t happens." "Yeah, I know, but why does all the s**t have to happen to me?" I guess I will always have faith. If you don't have faith, what is there to live for?

xoxo lisa marie

Diving.

To start off my junior year of high school, and to "temporarily" put gymnastics on hold, I decided to try something that I had never let see the light of day: diving. In theory, there is a ton of gymnastics related skills involved- part of the reason one of my best friends and I were yearning to try.

There were no tryouts, the diving group was small and we were automatically put on JV. It was August, we had the rest of the summer to workout, and essentially, learn to dive. I was so out of shape I couldn't even keep up with the runs. I thought I had asthma. I had to get used to ice cold water. Right off the bat I have to say, the board is not a trampoline. Repeat, the board is not a trampoline. Guys and girls alike have injured themselves with the board. (I personally knew someone who hit their head freshman year of high school.) I quickly learned this, along with how to dive, approach and all, and names of dives. Forward, backward, inward, reverse, and twisting. Okay, front, back, and twisting I know, but what about the other two? Famous last words.

 In an inward dive, there is no approach, you stand on the end of the board, backwards. Get enough momentum and propel your body backwards, feet in the air, and dive inwards, facing the same direction. Scary? You haven't heard anything yet. Perhaps the most frightening skill to learn (at least I think for beginners), is a reverse dive. Ever heard of a gainer in gymnastics? It's almost the same thing, except you're diving off a springboard into the water (which can brutally BRUISE your back or virtually any part of your body). Contrary to popular belief, you do NOT run off the board. We approached the end of the board like we normally would with a forward dive- three to four steps, arms swing up (at the exact moment you jump- crucial), give ourselves a single bounce and then... go for it. I ended up realizing doing a whole reverse back tuck is easier than just a dive. In all, you're facing forwards and then doing a back dive or flip. Hence reverse.


Eventually, everyone who was a beginner on the team quickly progressed, considering my best friend and I had an advantage, having done gymnastics. We started working on forward 1 1/2's, and eventually forward doubles. That was the fun part. I had always seen people do a front tuck into a dive (1 1/2) and wanted to do it. It was so exciting! Everything that we were working on came with a price: smacking the water- hard, and those bruises.

The other girls on the team had perfect form, and were competing really difficult skills, like backwards, reverse, and inward 1 1/2's and doubles, and full twists. My two best skills were a forward 1 1/2 and forward double. (They weren't as good as the varsity girls.) For my twisting dive (we needed at least one dive in every category) I competed a really bad, layed- out half. Form was never my forte (funny though, presently I tend to think of myself as more graceful than my past). Competing in diving wasn't completely as nerve- wracking as gymnastics, but I did tend to succumb to pressure due to anxiety.

My best friend and I ended up both quitting the team at different times. I know that if I didn't quit, I could be better. But I knew that I wasn't ever going to be good enough to do it in college, so it didn't matter. I was doing poorly in school at the time, and quitting just made me feel even worse. It made me think that all I ever did was quit or fail. I never knocked on wood.

All in all, I loved diving for what it was worth. Another sport of many I had done, another life lesson, another set of memories. I haven't touched a board since. Maybe this summer? Oh, and NEVER dive in a bikini. :)

xoxo lisa marie

Guys, Girl, and the Internet.

Just do NOT mix. I never recommend getting into anything online, because it's not worth it. I spent a small part of my life getting myself into messes, I have to admit I somewhat liked doing it, and then it screwed up my life even more. None of it was real, and it was torture not being able to feel real life emotion, or even a real life human being. It's incredibly complicated, and I always thought my case was unique. All of it drove me to extreme sadness and other motivational, and medical issues. I actually got panic attacks at school when I'd "run in" to one of these guys. I ended up having friends abandon me sending my into a very painful time in my life. Funny though, I've been telling people I'd get an eHarmony account (or another online dating profile) partially as a joke, mostly for real. I'm cursed. I seem to fall for guys online, guys just seem to fall for me online, so why not go there? It's the proper way, it's set up, it's real, you end up meeting them and actually talking in the end....

Real life men? Don't even ask. It's hopeless. (I know I'm being a pessimist.)

xoxo lisa marie

Refreshed.

I somewhat feel like a new person.

Music has assisted this feeling.

I've been listening to a lot of great music lately, but a lot of it's old, I find it hard to catch on to new stuff until it's already been played, analyzed, distorted or awarded. Lyrics play into so much, because, well it is the body of the song. Here are some of my favorite lines from songs I've been listening to recently. Most of them are popular songs you might know. I go by feel. Honestly, these songs aren't really that much about my emotions or life at the moment. They just feel right. ♥


"and I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance. And up until now I've sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness."


"like Al Pacino's cash nothing lasts in this life."


"these mistakes you've made you'll just make them again, if you only try turning around."


"drinking out, pacifier, sinking soul, there you are."


"I am high like a star that's flying, Cassiopeia, everything's changing now."


"give me a reason to end this discussion, to break with tradition, the fold and divide."


"walls of insencerity, shifting eyes and vacancy, vanished when I saw your face."


Cheers to the future.
xoxo lisa marie

Under the Weather.

So. Within the past two weeks I: Went to visit a friend at U of I, came home, journeyed onward to Florida for spring break, where I proceeded to get really sick (bronchitis, I still have it) come home and went into work for four days straight. Whew. I've had little else on my mind besides congestion, coughing and antibiotics. But all else was well. Stayed in a sorority house for the first time, forced myself to go to Disney World and Universal Studios even with a fever because I haven't been there in forever. Harry Potter World was awesome as well. Happy One Day Belated Birthday to my best friend in that photo up there! Peace & love. :)

xoxo lisa marie

Spring is For Breaking.

...Pack nothing.Leave without a note.Follow your internal compass.Wear what you slept in, sleep in what your wearing.Use SPF. Listen to the ocean but dont take its advice word for word.Insist on karaoke.Display skin.Attract a following.Steal a heart. Lose track of time.LIVE YOUR LIFE. - AE :)

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'."- Audrey Hepburn

xoxo lisa marie

Gym.

I am thankful for everyone who supported me in not deleting my blog.

I remember the time in my life where gymnastics totally encompassed my entire life. I sucked at it, but slowly over time I was inching my way up. I ate, breathed and lived gymnastics. I have to say I think I was one of the biggest fans. I knew who Shawn Johnson and was at least 3 years before the Olympics. Same with Nastia Liukin, Jonathan Horton, and Justin Spring. I remember seeing all these girls and guys, competing to be the best of the best. I regretted my eight year stint of figure skating when I was younger with a burning passion. "Mom, why didn't you keep me in gymnastics when I was little?" "It's because you loved something else." I didn't believe her and still don't to this day. A few years ago I made it my life goal to at least get a full. A full-twisting layout. If I ever did, my life would be "complete."

I started tumbling again at age 11, but ended up going back fully to gymnastics my freshman year of high school. Being on the team was so nerve wracking, I had never actually competed until then. I dislocated my knee- cap mid season and had to sit out. I believe that is part of what's happening next. I spent the off-season at my old gym USGTC working new skills.

I was pretty much thrown out of the high-school team my sophomore year for reasons that were "just a little" bit cloudy. I was the best. You might think I'm contradicting what I said earlier, but out of the entire group of girls for JV, I was the best at that time (excluding vault). I had worked so hard, all through the summer at my club gym, I had gotten new skills and sharpened my old ones. I was told I wasn't "supportive," oh, lets just not go there. I was devastated. The type of devastation where you lay on the floor and cry until the angels sigh. My best friend ended up making the team again. Just like everyone else, she hadn't worked out, or been in a gym, since the last season.

I decided to go back to my gym and ask if there was any way I could compete club. My coaches agreed. I had skills congruent of higher levels (6, 7) than the one I was competing. I had a round- off /flip flop/ back tuck on floor, back walk-overs and almost a flip-flop on beam. Even though I showed progression, I had to start at the bottom, it was part of the rules. It was difficult. Gymnastics, it's entire nature is difficult. Conditioning was hell, and my coaches were tough. Katie was always telling me to stop complaining, but I thought it was hilarious. Alicia and Kacey weren't really part of it. At the end of the season, I got all four Level 5 trophies for top scores. The reason primarily because I was the only Level 5.

I loved my team at the time, most of them were younger than me but everyone always brought something unique. It was sad to see some of my best friends leave during my time at USGTC, even in the summer before that season. Before the high- school melodrama. I tried my hardest, even when my hardest wasn't good enough. Tears, pain, beauty in movement, accomplishment, mental toughness. That is what defined my run. I could go on for hours of my gymnastics stories but I feel like I've rambled too long.

That was 5 years ago. All in all, gymnastics made me, and continues to make me happy. It was never about winning anything. Even though I sucked, it still filled me with pure joy, and the adrenaline rush you get from it. Guess what I do now?

xoxo lisa marie

On the Verge

I really feel like deleting my blog right now. I hate my life.
It can't be sunshine and daisies all the time. :(

"Friends are those people who know the words to the song in your heart and sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."- Anonymous 
One of my favorite quotes, which has come true before. It still continues it's run.

xoxo lisa marie

I've Heard Every Album, Listened to the Radio...

that's my bad side... (photo wise). Who was this old Lisa?

Oh gosh so long ago... things were so different then.

Drum roll, day dream.... :)

This is a song that I put up on youtube for a while. I decided to take it down, it violates all sorts of trademarks, but I still like it. It was written/ recorded about two years ago. The inspiration came from a writing assignment, about Miley Cyrus and John Lennon trapped in an elevator. Well, I turned it around sang it about myself, and not in an elevator. They're too stuffy. I used to say it's about a certain dream I had. My voice sucks, and this was a long time ago. Whatever. To each their own. People will always judge.

I am also incredibly annoyed by circumstances right now, with college visits and friends. I can do one week, my friend can't, there's only so many weekends, it just really STRESSES me out (But it turns out now there's a plan?)! Even more -- getting everything ready for Columbia. I wasn't made for school, I like my low- income job, but I HAVE to go. Life doesn't wait for anyone. Even the slow moving, depressed, and lonely individuals of our society. C'est moi.

Fact: After I wrote that paper, over half a year later in an interview, Miley was asked a certain question. She said that the person she would most like to be trapped in an elevator was John Lennon. It freaked me out pretty badly. Don't get too creeped out.

xoxo lisa marie

Laughter and Change.

I painted this for my best friend about a year or two ago.

My life has a never-ending soundtrack.

Favorite painting that I created. It was destroyed.

I love to laugh... and smile as much as possible. When I make really bad mistakes or create problems all it does is bring down my life. Sometimes I can't help it, we were born to learn. There are degrees of mistakes. I was just born to be a mess, I think. :) But doesn't everyone deserve to be loved, and be reassured everything is okay? My good friends and I have changed incredibly over the years, and now because of college, I rarely get to see them. (I'm gonna see them in a few days!) I've always been afraid and almost petrified of massive changes in my life. I really don't think we are in control sometimes. For instance, we can't change people. I don't do well with cold hard "truth" either. You know, the sayings we all despise? I would rather take the sunny route. (Even when the sun's not shining in my life.) Oh, well. ♥ I'm such a retrograde writer... :( I look back at my journals/senior year of high school and find amazing stuff. I guess it just depends on inspiration.

xoxo lisa marie.

Lyrically Challenged

I know, I'm lyrically challenged. :)
just got back from work. Out of breath.

Love her. She's a huge mainstream songwriting icon.

You might wonder...all this just about an ex friend?

It could be about a boy...

That's just me. I never let go.

Some of it is new, some old.

Or maybe it's just I have nothing else to write about.

Excerpts:

You're nobody's girl/ will you ever be?/ watch me fly like a dove, fall in love/ cause no one wants a fake/ Cause friends only go so far/ I'm like a star I shine and twinkle so brightly/ you'll be wishing on me nightly

Did bringing me down make you feel higher?/ You're the queen now, a corrupt little liar!

Stole everything away from me/ jealousy I sensed from the seas/ Were those eight years for nothing?/You chose to leave/ My whole world was crumbling/ You didn't care you made things up/ A photo I'd tear

Sticking up for each other smiling at the sun/ Now everything's gray and said and done/ I remember the years I wanted to hide my face/ But it's not about pretty, just soul and grace

You were never a stranger/ You wouldn't have lied/ But what would you have done if I had just up and died?/ Almost happened, I'm sorry it's true/ and I'm sorry you're not sincere/ Just another hypocrite like me/ If you stand for what you believe/ You weren't there for my cry of help/ You're just tears in my past life self

I always thought you were who you said/ Caring about people/peace in your head/ "I love God," Now, do you really?/If you ever feel the cold shoulder lingering/ turn around there I am/ singing a tune of surrender, not revenge

Here's something a little more positive:

How much will I promise you/ that i'll never be the one to leave when things rough/ Even if I'm hurt and sobbing it will never be enough/cause you, my friends, are my everything/ world's taught me to love through hell even in the spring/Some spark kept me alive/ That's all I have to tell

Glad I got that out of my system.

Off to my "church" for the week. About that, sometime later. It's amazing and its part discussion part concert at gigantic Willow Creek. I just go, even if I don't agree with everything. I don't know what to believe. I love live music too.

xoxo lisa marie

The Cleansing Season.

Bring truth, and wherever you go, 

follow your internal compass.

Spring: It's a time of renewal. It washes away all the harshness brought on by winter. I love that first day where you wake up and the earth smells like spring. Flowers bloom, rainstorms start coming more often, and everything looks beautiful and imperfect in it's own little perfect way. Spring break for those in school, (and I) ("Listen to the ocean, but don't take it's advice word for word."- AE ad. in a collage.) leads to everyone getting antsy for summer.

Then again, on the flip side, it reminds me that when summer comes, I cannot go anywhere my ex-best friends are. I have about eight adjectives and two nouns to call them. I hope they have fun. I am probably not going to go on a road trip (that I'm supposed to plan) with the best friends I do have because they're too busy with summer school. The end of August might work but who knows. It seems like lately they've all given up on me. Everyone has, they just acknowledge that I'm there. I might be exaggerating a little bit, but that's what it feels like.

Trust me, eventually i will get around to somehow explain all this weird crap that I have all over my blog. That doesn't mean the weird crap is going to stop. I've always had a really strange yet interesting internet life. and no ch-ch-ch cherry bomb-ing phase yet. ;) Just kidding. I need to find a way to let go of grudges. Cleansing the mind of altercations of the past. For me that's next to impossible, the seasons can't even change it. But what dumbass said the impossible isn't possible? I mean, I've seen a 28 year old learn a full (twisting layout) for the first time. I can't believe I deleted my post about Jason Mraz & Tristan Prettyman. I had a spaz attack when I found out they were engaged. It's incredible. :)

xoxo lisa marie

Kaleidoscope Heart.

(This story's not over, the music has not stopped playing.)

Sometimes parts are left out of tales for a reason.

Let's get this clear: I hate  can't stand the Rolling Stones.

Where is Led Zeppelin in this pile?

I should find a time machine...I belong in a different era.

C'est tout. 

xoxo lisa marie

Warm Shouldered

This is the tattoo I wish I had.

venting.

A girl with the biggest heart is always constantly let down. I'm never going to have a million friends, or probably even find true love. It's just a curse waiting to be cured. I wish I knew how to solve that piece of the puzzle. You can't make people love you, we all know that. But maybe suffering is what makes the sun and the rainbow at the end of the storm worthwhile. For those of you who have been (or are) in love, I'm sure it's more than beautiful. I'm apparently not good enough for it. Right now, my depression (all over tiredness) and anxiety completely get in the way of even searching for it, or anything for that matter. I bounce back and forth. I have had amazing conversations about how love could change me. Pure elation. Almost like a miracle- but who wants to believe in fairy tales if a fait accompli is never on your side. :(


All of us deserve to be loved, don't we? Happy Singles Awareness Day. ♡


xoxo lisa marie

I Love This Mini- Cover Of...

and hopefully you will too.

No, I am not a crazy- obsessed Nick Jonas fan. Just so we're clear. :) Gotta love him though.

As of now, I'm trying to come up with melodies for new songs and am getting nowhere! Ex- friends are a hard one, especially when you were hurt so badly. Love is different, but still, I don't know how people do it. I should write about the period in my life where I had no idea what was going on. 

"Music is the only thing that makes sense anymore. Play it loud enough, and it keeps the demons at bay."

xoxo lisa marie

(♥)

About 500 reasons why I love this movie.

"There's no such thing as love, it's fantasy..."

"You can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence, that's all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence... there's no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be."

xoxo lisa marie

British Men.

There is just something about them that is downright sexy. The accent? The attitude? The cleanliness?
Whatever it is, they're my favorite. I want to save up enough money to move to London when I'm older.
Apparently, that's where I'll meet my husband, according to someone... :)

Better together...

so cute, as lovers...(maybe not anymore)

friends...

xoxo lisa marie

It's All Quite Really Like A Paradox

"Those who are there for you when you need them most, that is their true color. The color of friendship."

Who would have guessed that mine turned out to be the biggest unintentional test ever.

I didn't know what I was doing half the time, and my friends would always ask "You're sure you're okay now?" Every time I saw them.  They only knew half the story. I know by now that I'm a horrible story teller.

xoxo lisa marie.