So Grateful... Amazing Turnaround.

It's hard to believe that you might be happy, but still feel like your dying inside. Can you be both? I don't really know. It's what I feel. I had an amazing turnaround of luck but more of happiness. You can't get everything you want, but you can sure as hell pray and try to get the things you need. This summer has been amazing. Especially July. But I still feel that people aren't there for me and every single person I say this to says I'm over exaggerating. But they're not me. I am sensitive, everything affects me more, heck even getting injured affects me more. "Was I supposed to see black dots and almost pass out?" "No, that's not normal..." Going and seeing Paul McCartney, in Michigan, with 9th row seats is not normal either. Whatever. Who cares about my SAD self. I'm having fun on the outside. Next stop, California.

Better bend than break...do everything with your heart, live everything with your soul. LOVE ♥ is the answer. LIFE is SO FRAGILE don't waste it EMBRACE IT. Every second counts.


7/1/11 
missouri, came home, 4th of July, boating, and fun
Well I saw fireworks from the freeway, and behind closed eyes I cannot make them go away

7/24/11
There's a way to get together then I'm gone away, one day. It's a place that all that matters are the notes you play, I say

7/28/11
to find a queen without a king, they say she plays guitar and cries and sings

8/9/11
You've got a smile that could light up this whole town, I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
♥ ♥
I like to twist You Belong With Me, you know, so it's about my friends.... XD

I hope whomever is reading this is having an AMAZING summer! Praying and believing will bring you good luck. Sorry for the photo overload. ;)


xoxo lisa marie

So Much To Do, So Little Time.

Another negative post, from a periodically positive girl.

I hate when people (in this case friends) get your hopes up (or you yourself do) just to let you down and screw you over. To shatter dreams. A dream for me may be a wish for anyone else. That's how much it affects me. I'm going to California on July 28th, and I was with my friends, mentioned it, and somehow we got to talking about them going. I asked them if they had the money, they said yes. I was SO excited. I've never gotten to go on a vacation with friends, let alone in a beautiful place. Palo Alto, San Fran, Carmel, Monterey, Santa Cruz, San Luis Obispo, and San Jose. Of course, you might be thinking, any way, this is awesome! Well, what happened wasn't. Two weeks later after rapid text cycles, one of those two friends said she couldn't go because of work. The other said she couldn't go because her parents told her she couldn't go if the other friend didn't go. All of the energy I had put into being excited suddenly turned to anger. I was crying so hard, I was on the treadmill yelling, and I eventually chucked my iPod across the room with intending on breaking it. None of what I did helped me, at all. But the other thing is: Paul McCartney is playing Wrigley Field over the weekend of our vacation. Keep the bad luck coming.

I've been SO busy lately I'm starting to feel like my mom's friend Debbie. (She works for Sprint, knows just about everyone, does musicals, everything.) Just the busy part. But I AM excited for this coming weekend because here's the silver lining: I'm going with my friend to Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri on a canoe trip. In two days! THEN I'm coming home to my friend's giant party for the Fourth and her birthday. I haven't seen her all summer. Make that half a year.

I hope YOU guys are staying positive.



all my love,
xoxo lisa marie

Smiles and Tears

I haven't really been on the ball with my blog lately, a lot has changed. First of all, how adorable are my two little cousins? I babysit them from time to time and it's always a blast. They are pretty hilarious too.

Addison and Callie

(All cousins of some type + sisters) :)

About a week ago I was tumbling at open gym. I don't have any friends that really tumble or do gymnastics with their free time (and honestly the only people I know who do I work with) but I still go occasionally. I was pretty tired and just doing passes on floor. I was obviously running full speed and put my hands down for one last round-off. I must have also twisted my arm a funny way because I immediately heard a crunching/popping noise and instant extreme pain. "No... not again," were my immediate thoughts. The last time I had injured myself was a dislocated kneecap, walking down the stairs. I passed out that time. THIS time I was seeing black dots. I thought I had at least broken something. As I was kneeling on the floor I noticed some song playing on the radio in the background and the lyrics went something like "I don't wanna say goodbye, but this is goodbye." I thought it was God telling me I could never do this again, or even coach. God had hit me, all right. "Why do so many bad things have to happen to me?" My mom and I rushed to the emergency room and got X-rays. Nothing was broken, so they put me in a temporary half-cast and a sling until I saw an orthopedic.

I ended up having to get an MRI to see if I had torn any ligaments. I was in pain and my elbow and my arm did just not feel right. The results were back and sure enough, I had torn my UCL. Ever heard of your ACL in your knee? Ulnar Collateral Ligament is in your elbow. It's a major ligament and I might need surgery. That is not okay with me, considering 50% of patients lose 10% full range of motion in their elbow after full recovery from surgery. That would mean a likely goodbye to sports and I will do anything I can to avoid this.

The other day in the car we were discussing it and my mom just goes, "S**t happens." "Yeah, I know, but why does all the s**t have to happen to me?" I guess I will always have faith. If you don't have faith, what is there to live for?

xoxo lisa marie

Diving.

To start off my junior year of high school, and to "temporarily" put gymnastics on hold, I decided to try something that I had never let see the light of day: diving. In theory, there is a ton of gymnastics related skills involved- part of the reason one of my best friends and I were yearning to try.

There were no tryouts, the diving group was small and we were automatically put on JV. It was August, we had the rest of the summer to workout, and essentially, learn to dive. I was so out of shape I couldn't even keep up with the runs. I thought I had asthma. I had to get used to ice cold water. Right off the bat I have to say, the board is not a trampoline. Repeat, the board is not a trampoline. Guys and girls alike have injured themselves with the board. (I personally knew someone who hit their head freshman year of high school.) I quickly learned this, along with how to dive, approach and all, and names of dives. Forward, backward, inward, reverse, and twisting. Okay, front, back, and twisting I know, but what about the other two? Famous last words.

 In an inward dive, there is no approach, you stand on the end of the board, backwards. Get enough momentum and propel your body backwards, feet in the air, and dive inwards, facing the same direction. Scary? You haven't heard anything yet. Perhaps the most frightening skill to learn (at least I think for beginners), is a reverse dive. Ever heard of a gainer in gymnastics? It's almost the same thing, except you're diving off a springboard into the water (which can brutally BRUISE your back or virtually any part of your body). Contrary to popular belief, you do NOT run off the board. We approached the end of the board like we normally would with a forward dive- three to four steps, arms swing up (at the exact moment you jump- crucial), give ourselves a single bounce and then... go for it. I ended up realizing doing a whole reverse back tuck is easier than just a dive. In all, you're facing forwards and then doing a back dive or flip. Hence reverse.


Eventually, everyone who was a beginner on the team quickly progressed, considering my best friend and I had an advantage, having done gymnastics. We started working on forward 1 1/2's, and eventually forward doubles. That was the fun part. I had always seen people do a front tuck into a dive (1 1/2) and wanted to do it. It was so exciting! Everything that we were working on came with a price: smacking the water- hard, and those bruises.

The other girls on the team had perfect form, and were competing really difficult skills, like backwards, reverse, and inward 1 1/2's and doubles, and full twists. My two best skills were a forward 1 1/2 and forward double. (They weren't as good as the varsity girls.) For my twisting dive (we needed at least one dive in every category) I competed a really bad, layed- out half. Form was never my forte (funny though, presently I tend to think of myself as more graceful than my past). Competing in diving wasn't completely as nerve- wracking as gymnastics, but I did tend to succumb to pressure due to anxiety.

My best friend and I ended up both quitting the team at different times. I know that if I didn't quit, I could be better. But I knew that I wasn't ever going to be good enough to do it in college, so it didn't matter. I was doing poorly in school at the time, and quitting just made me feel even worse. It made me think that all I ever did was quit or fail. I never knocked on wood.

All in all, I loved diving for what it was worth. Another sport of many I had done, another life lesson, another set of memories. I haven't touched a board since. Maybe this summer? Oh, and NEVER dive in a bikini. :)

xoxo lisa marie

Guys, Girl, and the Internet.

Just do NOT mix. I never recommend getting into anything online, because it's not worth it. I spent a small part of my life getting myself into messes, I have to admit I somewhat liked doing it, and then it screwed up my life even more. None of it was real, and it was torture not being able to feel real life emotion, or even a real life human being. It's incredibly complicated, and I always thought my case was unique. All of it drove me to extreme sadness and other motivational, and medical issues. I actually got panic attacks at school when I'd "run in" to one of these guys. I ended up having friends abandon me sending my into a very painful time in my life. Funny though, I've been telling people I'd get an eHarmony account (or another online dating profile) partially as a joke, mostly for real. I'm cursed. I seem to fall for guys online, guys just seem to fall for me online, so why not go there? It's the proper way, it's set up, it's real, you end up meeting them and actually talking in the end....

Real life men? Don't even ask. It's hopeless. (I know I'm being a pessimist.)

xoxo lisa marie

Refreshed.

I somewhat feel like a new person.

Music has assisted this feeling.

I've been listening to a lot of great music lately, but a lot of it's old, I find it hard to catch on to new stuff until it's already been played, analyzed, distorted or awarded. Lyrics play into so much, because, well it is the body of the song. Here are some of my favorite lines from songs I've been listening to recently. Most of them are popular songs you might know. I go by feel. Honestly, these songs aren't really that much about my emotions or life at the moment. They just feel right. ♥


"and I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance. And up until now I've sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness."


"like Al Pacino's cash nothing lasts in this life."


"these mistakes you've made you'll just make them again, if you only try turning around."


"drinking out, pacifier, sinking soul, there you are."


"I am high like a star that's flying, Cassiopeia, everything's changing now."


"give me a reason to end this discussion, to break with tradition, the fold and divide."


"walls of insencerity, shifting eyes and vacancy, vanished when I saw your face."


Cheers to the future.
xoxo lisa marie

Under the Weather.

So. Within the past two weeks I: Went to visit a friend at U of I, came home, journeyed onward to Florida for spring break, where I proceeded to get really sick (bronchitis, I still have it) come home and went into work for four days straight. Whew. I've had little else on my mind besides congestion, coughing and antibiotics. But all else was well. Stayed in a sorority house for the first time, forced myself to go to Disney World and Universal Studios even with a fever because I haven't been there in forever. Harry Potter World was awesome as well. Happy One Day Belated Birthday to my best friend in that photo up there! Peace & love. :)

xoxo lisa marie